I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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