I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
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using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
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I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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