He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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