Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
