I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
