my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
