Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
