We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
