I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
