mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Randomize
