I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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