Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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