I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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