I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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