if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
