def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
My legs feel like baby dolphins
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
