I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
