i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
