very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
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I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
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Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
why is half of my head shaved?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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