When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
