Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
