Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
