??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
