Please, let me fuck your mom
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
