Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
So vagazzling was a success
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
