Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
