the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
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I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
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My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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