I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
