After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
