he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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