I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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