If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
