My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
