I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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