he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
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I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
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Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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