I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
