am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
