can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
