my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
