her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
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and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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