I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
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