Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
