the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
