I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
im on a boat
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