The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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