I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Randomize
