Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
