he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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