I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
