I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
