you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
