Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
