just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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