Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
