a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
You took a bar mat shot.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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