I think my fart just growled at me.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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