i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
