I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
