Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
do herpes really smell.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
